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Subconsciously I Miss You

It is amazing how we have the capacity to suppress certain pure-ordained realities to a point of having them affect our conscious lives. We go on about our daily routine unaware of the effect that some relationships have on the way we relate to other relationships. Sometimes we even suffer horribly in our love-life. Never once giving a conscious thought as to the reason we are having great difficulty being happy.

But no matter how long it takes…destiny will prevail and as a result of that…the past comes back to haunt us.

My best friend and soul-mate has been in my shadow for 30 years. I rejected his undying love because I thought that he was not what I should have…I was self-centered. In the beginning we connected on a high spiritual level. It was so easy being with him. However, he had a wish that I just be myself and not let life influence me to the point of becoming someone else, just because my other friends wanted me to…I pulled away. At that time in my life all I cared about was appearances and he seemed too weak to be a part of my life. How utterly wrong I was.

For 30 years he pursued me and tried to give me the benefit of his loving care. I ran from him. As a result of my actions I led a terrible existence. Today I am aware that I should have listened. Every other so-called love relationship that I have had ended terribly. Especially my marriages. Disaster after disaster. I never found what was right in front of my eyes all the time. Subconsciously…I was missing him. I had been searching for the same attributes in others that I had been blessed to have in my life from day one…subconsciously I missed him.

Recently we were re-united as a result of my being a writer. I was researching people that I required to complete my life story. My conscious mind began to manifest his image and the result was a good feeling and a sense of peace when I was made to remember the best friend that I had ever had. Suddenly I had an epiphany! I really did L-O-V-E him. Just as suddenly my heart began to break into a million pieces and I wanted so desperately to call him and shower him with my new-found realization…but I did not. Instead I arranged a meeting between the two of us. I was just as giddy as a school-girl. I later learned that he was also. I wanted to know everything about his life. We laughed and cried as we got reacquainted. He also confessed that many times during our separation he had been in the shadows to back me up if I ever found myself in trouble. What an amazing man!

Now we are active friends again…some 30 years later.

When ever we are together the strong feeling of attachment is still prominent. We flirt and have fun but we never act on those deeply routed feelings that come up from time to time. He is a married man and I dare not over-step that bound.

On Christmas Day he called and wished me a Merry Christmas. I was over-joyed and began to cry. He also admitted finally that there was no earthly force that could change what he still feels in his heart of hearts for me.

I can truthfully say that I feel the same way. At first when I heard his admission I began to hate myself for this situation but it was my selfishness and lack of sensitivity that has led to this predicament. In the midst of what I was feeling about myself GOD stepped in and assured me that the reason we had been re-united was so we could have the benefit of true friendship as GOD had ordained in the first place. God always gets what God wants…no matter what.

Now we can continue through whatever time we have left as real friends and the love that my old friend carries for me is well received…this time. If I could do everything over again…I would. But knowing what I know now about life…would allow ME to make the best decision for all involved. And I would never ever have to say the words I miss you because we would spend eternity together as one!



Source by Shirley Marie Johnson

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